THE BATTLE OF THE BULGE
THE BATTLE OF THE BULGE
I have had enough of my weight. It has to go. It is going to go. All 25kgs excess. The weight has steadily and surely crept on for the last ten years. So many excuses. So many reasons. And now I have declared no more. I am not a binge eater or love a particular food. Not even chocolate anymore. I don’t plan and shop properly. I just don’t pay enough attention.
I was always so particular and weight conscious. Perhaps overboard.
In my training sessions there is a video play back on presentations and when I saw myself – I couldn’t believe that was me. I consoled myself and took out photos and video’s from 10 years ago. What is the point of saying, “ Look at me 10 years ago.” I felt ridiculous. What I have had to face up to is that I am overweight. And having always been slim it is funny because I don’t feel that big!
So I have joined Sureslim today again – and this time I will not stop for any reason until I reach my goal. I am visualising a nike track pants and cutaway vest and the latest track shoes – and I am going to the gym around the corner from the office in Olympia and going to get Michelle Obama biceps. As well as work on all the neglected areas.
I mean what have I got to lose being slim and trim. I know my Ndebele figure will not shrink to Barbie proportions nor to I even dream of that. I just want to be agile, fit and have bulges in the right places. Yes and I am going to wear dresses – just below my knee and calf length. And in winter – boots – possibly even heels.
When you are any age , and look in the mirror and say, “who’s that?” – you know that its time to stop kidding yourself. I have invested in myself spiritually , educationally, mentally, business career wise and just not enough physically.
The thought of going into a gym leaves me panicking. Yet I can do a presentation to 50 people and feel comfortable. I feel so awkward.
Well there are no more ifs and buts. By my birthday in early December I shall be sporting a new look and wardrobe.
At the same time I am really going to schedule me time. I recall how over the past 15 years I have worked so crazily and when I came to Zambia I had to get my housekeeper to move house as a business review meeting came up last minute and I had to travel. I was away 10 days and drove home to a new neighbourhood and house and felt like a visitor.
I have started to re organise my time and I have made some decisions on how I can work around what I like doing best. And in my time frame. I am a night owl and want to work from midday to midnight! So sometimes its nice just to do that.
Weight gain is related to deep rooted issues. It is about protection. The feeling that one cannot be harmed if that weight is there. In the business world it can be irritating to be treated like a bimbo if one is attractive. It is a challenge to get business and to be taken for who one is and not for looks. It is also a rebellion against femininity and saying that one can do what men can do.
I have tried to dig into the recesses of my mind and work out what my issue is. I think it is two fold. Being in an abusive relationship 10 years ago and saying that if I had been bigger and stronger I wouldn’t have got hurt. Secondly watching my father wither away from cancer of the lungs 10 years ago and at the time I was on a weight loss regime and went from a size 38 to a 34 which is really too small for me but I wanted to be how I was at 20 years old! I then recall saying to myself how ridiculous I was starving myself and Dad couldn’t even eat. I think I am extreme because I then just stopped caring. Maybe it was also losing the only person that really loved me unconditionally and being left to take over the responsibilities that Dad had always done. The last ten years have been something else. We all have our stories and no path is simple. So I have to shake it all off and acknowledge that I have done just fine and will always be loved and protected because there is always a small band of people who really care and God is on my side. Now that my mind is clear I believe that the weight is going to fall off. I will each day visualise the fat cells melting and my step lighter and lighter – this is going to be fun.
Email: ideas@carolwhiteconsultancy.cm